Today was hard. Very. Actually I think the hard is just getting started, again. I don't know how someone fights cancer and keeps a cool head. I haven't figured out how family members manage to keep themselves together. How am I going to manage watching my mother go through all this again? I'm so afraid of losing her. Before was different, I was pregnant then and had to keep as calm as possible for the baby. Now what do I use to keep calm? I have a husband going through extreme depression who thinks of killing himself daily, a mother quite possibly dying of cancer, a father who is "sick" but WILL NOT go see a doctor even though he's very bad off at the moment, and somewhere in the middle of all that I still have to listen to people bitch and moan about lil things that go wrong with their lives. I'm just sick of everything. And quite possibly everyone. I feel like I'm drowning. Like I can't possibly breath. And then I see my beautiful little boy smile at his daddy, and suddenly I'm happy again, for just a moment. Till I remember. 

I don't know how to muddle through all of this pain, anxiety, and fear alone, and the one person who understands and listens best to me needs me to be strong for him instead. I don't have much more left to give before I break. 

Humm

So...This is what it feels like to have a blog...now what on earth am I going to do with it? Not even a clue, except maybe moan bitch and complain. Which is pretty much the norm haha! I'll probably delete this post later, as I figure out what exactly I want to do with this.

Enough now, bed time!

Night in our house? John in the living room on the couch has the heater on, me in the bedroom I have the AC on. lol.